


There’s Nothing I Can Say

by The_Lost_Rabbit



Category: Voltron: Legendary Defender
Genre: ALL THE ANGST, Angst, Character Death, Don’t read if you’ve attempted suicide or have suicidal thoughts, Don’t risk it., Gen, I cried when writing this, I’m serious, Langst, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Team’s Reaction, The Epilogue is your fault., Y’all asked for more angst, all the feels, trigger warning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-04
Updated: 2018-03-28
Packaged: 2019-03-26 21:05:35
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13866000
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/The_Lost_Rabbit/pseuds/The_Lost_Rabbit
Summary: Anxiety is a bitch.MAJOR TRIGGER WARNING FOR SUICIDAL THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS!!! DON’T READ IF YOU HAVE ANY SORT OF TRIGGERS INVOLVING THOSE!!!!





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> First off, I’d like to make a note saying I wrote this when I was in a bad mental place, so it can be hard to read. 
> 
> Secondly, HOLY SHIT I DIDN’T REALIZE WHEN SEASON 5 WAS GOING TO BE RELEASED SO I’M SORRY FOR THE ANGST!!!! I HAD TO WAIT UNTIL I GOT MY INVITE!!! 
> 
> Third, this has a major trigger warning on it due to how it was written. I am very sorry. 
> 
> I hope you enjoy!
> 
> ~The Lost Rabbit
> 
> Disclaimer: I don’t own Voltron because otherwise bisexual!Lance would have already been confirmed goddamnit.
> 
> Trigger Warning: Suicidal Thoughts and Suicide Attempt

_Not_ _strong enough._

“Watch it, Lance!”

_Not fast enough._

“Lance! Move out of the way!”

_Not clever enough._

“Just go already! I don’t need your help!”

_Not quiet enough._

“God, just shut up, Lance! Nobody wants to hear it!”

“Will you stop flirting with everybody and actually pay attention?”

“Stop distracting everyone!”

“Pay attention!”

“Focus!”

“Train!”

“Pay attention!”

“Shut up!”

_Slam!_

Lance threw his bayard on the bed and slid down against the door. His hand reached up and cover his mouth, tears streaming down his face.

_Not strong enough_

_Not fast enough_

_Not clever enough_

_Not quiet enough_

_Not good enough_

_Not enough_

_Never enough_

Lance choked back his tears, wiping his tears on the back of his hand. He didn’t want to give into those thoughts.

_But they are right._

_I will never be enough._

_I am unneeded._

_I am unwanted._

_I am….invisible._

Lance straightened up. His eyes hardened. He pushed himself to his feet.

_I know what I have to do._

He walked over to the desk next his bed and pulled out a piece of paper and a pen. He quickly started to scribble something down.

_**Dear Shiro,** _

He paused.

_**I don’t want you to blame yourself. No matter what, don’t blame yourself. It was going to happen even if you weren’t there. I just want you to know that it was never your fault. It was never your fault that I was the unwanted, unneeded member of the team. The seventh wheel. My leaving won’t affect the team. You’ll still be able to form Voltron. I just hope that you can forgive me for being selfish.** _

He set the note aside and started on another.

**_Dear Allura,_ **

**_Where to begin? Well, obviously, don’t blame yourself. Blue chose you. It isn’t your fault that I wasn’t her true Paladin. And while Red accepted me, it was only because she had to. I keeping getting the feeling she misses Keith more than anything. Anyways, I hope you and Blue can forgive me for being selfish._ **

He slid the note aside and started another.

**_Dear Pidge,_ **

**_Ah, where to start. Well, don’t blame yourself. I know that you will try to figure out any moments you could’ve changed that would’ve prevented this. Well, I’m here to tell to you not to. There was nothing you did that caused this. And there is nothing you could’ve done to stop this. I hope you can forgive me for being selfish._ **

Lance bit his lip as he slid the note next to the others and started on another one.

**_Dear Hunk,_ **

**_I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Honestly, I have no idea what to say to you. It isn’t your fault, obviously, but what else? You couldn’t have done anything to prevent this? You and I both know that’s true, but not what you need to hear. I guess, there is one thing I can say. You will be happy again. One less burden, right? I just hope you can forgive me for being selfish._ **

Tears started to fill Lance’s eyes. He pushed aside the note and pulled out another.

**_Dear Coran,_ **

**_How to say farewell. I have no idea, none at all. For all my talking, I can’t seem to say the right words. Don’t blame yourself? It was out of your control? None of those seem right. Maybe, just forgive me? Forgive me for being selfish and leaving. Especially after everything I’d done. Yeah, just...forgive me. That’s all I ask. Forgive me for being selfish._ **

He scowled at the note and shoved it aside, grabbing another.

**_Dear Keith,_ **

Tears dropped onto the paper.

**_I...have no idea what to say. Do you remember the conversation we had, back when you still piloted the Black Lion? Before you joined the Blades? When Shiro came back? You told me to stop worrying about the numbers and that everything would work out. Then you left. And eventually you came back and we were one paladin too many. Well, it seems like everything will work out again. But this time, it will be a little more permanent. I hope you enjoy flying Red again. She’s missed you. Don’t do anything stupid when you get her back. I don’t want you to be following me where I am going. Please, forgive me._ **

Lance gently slid the last note aside. He carefully picked up the notes and folded them, writing the names of who each note went to. He stacked them on top of each other and carefully tied them off with a blue ribbon he had bought at a Space-Mall.

His hands shook.

_I know what needs to be done._

He sat down on his bed and fiddled with his bayard.

_Everyone would be better off if I wasn’t here._

His hands stilled.

Lance took a deep breath.

“I guess this is goodbye then,” he whispered to the walls around him.

The bayard turned into a pistol.

_BANG!_

———

_This was just a sad invention. It wasn't real, I know. But we were happy. I guess I couldn't let that go. I guess I couldn't give that up. I guess I wanted to believe 'cause if I just believe, then I don't have to see what's really there. No, I'd rather pretend I'm something better than these broken parts. Pretend I'm something other than this mess that I am. 'Cause then I don't have to look at it and no one gets to look at it. No, no one can really see._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Suicide Hotline Numbers:
> 
> Argentina: +5402234930430
> 
> Australia: 131114
> 
> Austria: 017133374
> 
> Belgium: 106
> 
> Bosnia & Herzegovina: 080 05 03 05
> 
> Botswana: 3911270
> 
> Brazil: 212339141
> 
> Canada: 5147234000 (Montreal); 18662773553 (outside Montreal)
> 
> Croatia: 014833888
> 
> Denmark: +4570201201
> 
> Egypt: 7621602
> 
> Finland: 010 195 202
> 
> France: 0145394000
> 
> Germany: 08001810771
> 
> Holland: 09000767
> 
> Hong Kong: +852 2382 0000
> 
> Hungary: 116123
> 
> India: 8888817666
> 
> Ireland: +4408457909090
> 
> Italy: 800860022
> 
> Japan: +810352869090
> 
> Mexico: 5255102550
> 
> New Zealand: 045861048
> 
> Norway: +4781533300
> 
> Philippines: 028969191
> 
> Poland: 5270000
> 
> Russia: 0078202577577
> 
> Spain: 914590050
> 
> South Africa: 0514445691
> 
> Sweden: 46317112400
> 
> Switzerland: 143
> 
> United Kingdom: 08457909090
> 
> USA: 18002738255


	2. Epilogue

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *stares at the tissues piled next to my bed*  
> *stares at the stuffed animals surrounding my bed*  
> *holds a plate of cookies and a cup of tea*
> 
> So. Here we are. The epilogue. The epilogue that focuses on the team. The team’s epilogue. 
> 
> You guys asked me to show how the team reacts and I did it. I hope it came out well, but I’m not to sure, because I’ve never had to write something like this before, so it was a bit of a challenge. It was also hard to write because it just was sad. 
> 
> So.
> 
> You asked for this. 
> 
> Enjoy your angst, you masochists. 
> 
> Kudos and comments are like Hunk’s cooking to me, and flames will be used to...hmm....yeah, they will be used to destroy Kuron if he hurts the team. #Kuronisaclone #notmyShiro
> 
> Also, me posting this chapter during Klangst Week 2018 was purely accidental. I didn’t know the week was going on until today.
> 
> Oh! This is also un-beta read(no idea if that’s the right way to say it, but I’m going with it) and I finished it at......00:35 my time, which means my normal beta is probably asleep. So, let me know about any mistakes and let it be known that YES I ALREADY KNOW THAT HUNK IS SEMI OUT OF CHARACTER AT FIRST. SO SHUSH. 
> 
> Enjoy!
> 
> ~The_Lost_Rabbit

“Hey Keith, do you know where Lance is?” Keith paused the training session and turned to face Hunk.

“No. Last I saw him was after he stormed off at the debrief today. Why?” Hunk bit his lip.

“I’m starting to get worried, because no one has seen him or has any idea where he is. Allura went to go check to see if he was somewhere on the ship, but at the same time…”

“You want to make sure that someone else is also looking for him.”

“Exactly.” Keith released his bayard and walked passed Hunk, ending the trading session.

“If you’re really worried about him, I’ll go check and see if I can find him. I’ll let you know what I find.”

“Thanks, Keith.” He waved a hand and began wandering the halls, checking Lance’s usual hangouts.

Nothing.

Brow furrowed, Keith went to Lance’s room.

He knocked on the door.

“Lance? Are you in there?”

Silence.

“Lance, you are starting to worry Hunk.”

Nothing.

Keith rolled his eyes.

“I’m coming in.”

He opened the door. The lights were out, so he could barely make out Lance lying oddly on his bed.

“Seriously, Lance? A nap? You could have told Hunk that you were going to take a nap,” Keith grumbled, reaching over to turn on a light.

“You really worried him there, so get up and go apologize, s-“ Keith froze. On the desk was a stack of letters addressed to everyone.

“Hey, Lance? What is this?” He called out, untying the blue ribbon and picking up a letter.

No response.

“Dude, you aren’t that heavy of a sleeper.” Keith turned around to face Lance. He dropped the letter.

In Lance’s hand was his bayard in a pistol form.

And his head had a blaster shot in it.

Keith screamed.

“Keith!” Shiro called out, barging into the room.

“Keith, are you alright?”

“What happened?” Everyone had entered the room, focusing on Keith. Hunk paled when he looked in the direction Keith was staring.

“NO!” Keith watched in shock as Hunk raced over to Lance.

“NO, LANCE!” Hunk wailed, clutching his friend’s dead body. Pidge choked back tears and clung to Shiro. Shiro stroked their hair and held them tightly, tears running down his cheeks. Allura and Coran stared at them in shock.

“LANCE!!!!”

Keith turned away, fighting back tears. The stack of letters lay on the desk. The letter on top had his name on it, mocking him. He reached out and grabbed the letter.

Keith read the letter.

He dropped it and covered his mouth, tears freely flowing.

“Keith, what is it?” Coran whispered, careful not to disturb the others. Keith turned to face Coran, his body shaking.

“This is all my fault,” he murmured. “If I hadn’t come back to the team, he wouldn’t have killed himself, oh my god.” He collapsed to the ground, sobbing.

Shiro glanced over at Keith, looking as if he wanted to go hug him. Pidge clung to him, tears starting to fall down their cheeks. Coran choked back a quiet sob.

“No,” Keith heard him whisper.

_Thud._

“Coran!” He turned to look over at Coran. He had fallen onto the ground, a letter clutched tightly in his hand. He was sobbing.

“Oh Lance...you were never selfish.”

“Coran! What happened!” Allura raced over to him, helping him up. Keith watched as Coran hugged her as tightly as he could.

“He left us a letter. Each of us.” Everyone whipped their heads around to look at Pidge, who had moved out of Shiro’s grasp. Their hands were shaking.

“A letter?” Allura gave Pidge a confused look. “Why would he leave a letter?”

“To say goodbye. To apologize for whatever he thought he did wrong.” Hunk whispered, still holding Lance’s body.

Allura and Shiro grabbed the remaining letters, Allura giving Hunk his. The sound of quiet sobs and whispers of sorrow filled the room.

Slowly, each of the paladins began filtering out of the room. Coran and Hunk moved Lance’s body to a stasis pod. Shiro went to the training deck to fight off his anger. Pidge went to Green’s hangar and threw themselves into their work. Allura went with the mice to the bridge.

Keith meandered the halls, visiting every room Lance loved. The game room, the kitchen, the pool, Blue’s Hangar. As he was wandering, he stumbled across a room he never had seen before. Written on the door with a light blue pen was 4 words.

_Lance’s Hideout. Stay out!_

Keith stared at the door. He reached out to touch it. He quickly retracted his hand.

The door slide open.

Keith gasped.

Inside the room was a beach at night. Stars seen on Earth twinkled on the ceiling, water rushed to and from the door, sand, rocks, grass, and driftwood littered the floor. A couple feet away from the door was a small driftwood lean-to.

Keith slowly made his way to the lean-to, marveling at the beach hidden in the castle. He slipped inside the lean-to and gasped.

Pictures of the team littered the wall, both from before and after he’s joined the Blades of Marmora. Pidge and Hunk arguing in Green’s hangar, the mice doing Allura’s hair, Coran watching Hunk cook, Shiro sparring with Keith.

And Lance.

His smile dimmed in the photos as they got nearer and nearer to the day he died. Eventually, he stopped showing up in the photos. Keith reached out to touch the photos.

A strong wind kicked up.

The photos fluttered and the ones of Lance flew off.

“Damn it, no!” He cried out, racing to grab the photos. But it was too late The moment they touched the water, they vanished.

Keith sunk to his knees.

A photo flirted by him.

He snatched it out of the air.

The photo was from a mission years ago. Before Shiro went missing. Before all of this happened.

Lance had convinced Keith to take a selfie with him, even managing to get a small smile out of him.

_We did great out there! Just do me this one teeny tiny thing, please! Just one selfie with you smiling instead of being Mr. McBroody Pants?_

Keith gave a sad smile before folding the photo and tucking it in his pocket.

His hand brushed up against the letter from Lance.

Keith pulled it out of his pocket and stared at it.

**_We were one paladin too many._ **

**_More permanent._ **

**_Red’s missed you._ **

**_Don’t do anything stupid._ **

**_Please, forgive me._ **

“Lance….there’s nothing to forgive,” Keith whispered, looking up from the letter to the night sky over the mimicked ocean.

“I should ask you for forgiveness, not the other way around.”

“Please.”

“Forgive me for all the harsh things I said to you.”

“Forgive me for lashing out at you when I got upset.”

“Just, forgive me for not being there for you when you need it.”

“Forgive me for not being the friend you needed.”

The stars in the night sky twinkled, sparkling as if Lance was dancing amongst them.

Keith got up from his spot and walked out of the room. As the door closed behind him, he could have sworn he heard someone call out to him.

“I forgive you, Mullet.”

———  
_'Cause I've learned to slam on the brake, before I even turn the key. Before I make the mistake. Before I lead with the worst of me. I never let them see the worst of me. 'Cause what if everyone saw? What if everyone knew? Would they like what they saw? Or would they hate it too? Will I just keep on running away from what's true? All I ever do is run, so how do I step in, step into the sun?_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you guys so much for reading this! And thank you so much for the positive feedback. It was all due to you guys saying you would like an epilogue that this chapter exists, so bravo! 
> 
> *stuffed animals applaud the readers*
> 
> On a more serious note, while I did say I was considering doing a Klance fic that is a fix-it of this story, that might not happen for a long time. I am very flighty when it comes to fics and I am currently working on finishing my soulmate shorts on a different account (yes I have two accounts, this is my darker one) and I also am working several long fics and an original work. If one of my long fics I have planned for the other account gets too dark (which I think my Voltron oc one is going to get pretty dark), then it will be transferred over here. If you do want to read my other works, I do have a tumblr that has a link to them. However, I really don’t want to post the link here because some of the readers on my other account know me personally and they are a part of the Voltron fandom and I don’t want them seeing how dark I get. So, if you want to read the fics and maybe follow me on tumblr, let me know in the comments below! I’m going back and forth on it, so the plan currently is having me make another blog and link it to this account and cross link my other tumblr to it so those who like my writing can read some fluffier stuff. 
> 
> Wow, that’s a long author note. Whoops.
> 
> Anyways.
> 
> Thank you so much for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!
> 
> ~The_Lost_Rabbit


End file.
